Author Topic:  its hard for me to say [tag; Jung-hee]  (Read 57 times)

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  • Offline Nakamura Yoshio
  • its hard for me to say [tag; Jung-hee]
    « on: March 23, 2018, 02:57:18 AM »
    Regret.

    Yoshi had a lot to regret. There was a lot to make up for, but, this he knew he would never be able to fix. He could try, of course he could. But the problem was he wasn’t sure he had the strength to do what was right. The easiest thing to do would be to continue to ignore, to pretend that something so vastly intimate had not happened. The Kukan couldn’t pretend because he couldn’t forget. He could remember the warmth, the smell and the taste of the moments that changed him. If he closed his eyes during a gentle breeze he was drawn back to that shed, back to their moment as if Jung-hee was before him once more saying all the words the boy needed to hear. If Yoshi listened just right he could swear on the breeze was the sot sound of the Mizuch’s voice reassuring him, no – taking the doubt from his heart, it was what he needed. Well, what would have kept this terrible mistake from becoming a reality he gretted. IT was strange to long, to want, when Yoshi had been taught that such things had disastrous effects.

    He moved slowly, without looking up, as the boy walked towards the library. He was avoiding, had ignore, Jung-hee since their time together. Oh, he was selfish in that way, that he always took more than he gave, even with the Mizuchi he was the same. Nothing had changed outside of the guilt he felt for being so harsh and [/i]colod[/i] to the other boy, this boy who mattered to Yoshi in a way that the Kukan found himself wondering. He wondered what the break had been like for the Korean boy. He wondered if he had been thought about as much as Jung-hee had cross his mind. He wondered if they saw each other now, if the other boy would yell at him…if he would blush. He wondere, oh he wondered, if Jung-hee could ever forgive him. He had used the other boy, even if he hadn’t intended to when things started. Yoshi knew better he was supposed to be stronger. He was supposed to have sound mind but where the other boy was involved it was hard for the Kukan to think properly.

    He stepped into the quiet space and he moved towards and familiar stack, running his fingers along the spines of the books as his mind drifted back to his previous thoughts. If Jung-hee couldn’t forgive him for this Yoshi knew that he would have  hard time pulling himself together. This loss would overshadow what he thought he felt with his ex. This time he had felt the warmth of love, he knew what it was like to look into a person’s eyes and see the emotions clearly. He didn’t feel less than or cheap. He didn’t wonder what would happened next, not when he was looking into the brown gaze that had trapped his heart.  There were so many emotions swirling around him. He had to get it all down, had to tell someone. The only someone who would listen and not judge and give sound advice, advice he would surely need. Yoshi paused to look at the books his dark gaze taking in their faded colors and creased spines.

    It had been a long time since he had written. Jung-hee had taken up so much of his time he didn’t have much to complain about. He wasn’t complaining now, ho, he was confused. Because he wanted something that he wanted to push away to keep safe. He took a deep breath pulling the worn book from the shelf. It had been the safe space to hold their letters to one another. Yoshi had stumbled upon and answer on day and with his response came a friendship that felt lasting.  He looked down at cover and slowly eased it open as he nodded, he could do this. He could write down his feelings as he had before and in the end he would feel the weight lift from his shoulders. He just needed to know what to say and then everything else would fall into place.

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